[C – N + V] x H = £

Thats the equation. The rest of this article describes the variables (equation variable types).

I get asked this question so frequently I have only one answer “which is It depends on how you feel about it really”. Well, this is not much of an aswer. I have therefore created, only god knows why, a mathematical method for you to immediately give yourself a chance of understanding what your clock means to you in £’s emotionally.

Its something along the lines of game theory. I only worked the equation backwards because that is how you follow a fault in computer code when the diagnostic functions of the computer do not solve a software “bug”. The origin of the term “bug” may amuse you if you look it up.

Anyway back on point.

Any equation has variables. For the sake of simplicty I kept this to the variables that are definitely identifiable for ANY customer. The variables are:

Variable N: The value of a New clock that you would be as pleased to own as your current vintage or anitique time measurer (note: does not apply to sundials – yes somebody did acually ring and ask if we did them – I almost said yes but realised I could damage something of value to somebody if I took a “first for everything” approach)

Variable V: The value of your clock in good mechanical and cosmetic order. Find out online. Sign up for about 30 quid to get accesss to value data if you feel your clock may be valuable.

Variablle C: The quite disgraceful Cost of having your clock repaired by us or anyone else for that matter.

Variable H: For Happy. This is how happy you would be to receive your original clock back in full working order. This variable is expressed as a percentage. It might be 100% delighted, 80% happy but its been three months since you saw it and when you opened the package you thought “oh great – mum will be happy about this”, 60% happy might be “Im still glad I did it but it was just a reacation to mums sudden passing. Still, I will always be remined of the conversations we had under that clock”

50% is basically no for us and you. We dont want you to be half sure you should be spending on our quote. Its counterproductive. Customers become edgy and chase for progress – they have what is known as buyers remorse. The lack of their clock is a constant reminder that they are going to owe pro money and they just want it done and dealt with so they dont have to to make allowance for it mentally.

So how do you tell if your over 50% into the project driver for you…. how do you work out if you are a no go and its not even worth picking up the phone. Its worth mentioning here that our customers find us competitive on price and many return with other clocks now we know them as friends or friendly aquantances. First name terms of engagement is standard unless you have another preference.

Here is a useful metaphor expressed in narrative.

You think “since the clutch on the car had to be paid, means this was a selfish two glasses of wine decision I got wrong. Ive, got all excited, but rather selfishly , spent half the holday money. Not sure I did he right thing there, but its done. Move on its time for you to put the kids to bed. Hmmm.. I really love those kids and now Ive got to cancel the family fun area pass we had planned for the local theme park. Lucky Ive got the unexpected car clutch cost fund to fall back on, I think I may be witnessing a family lynching from the the wrong end of the rope.”

You get the idea.

Now uderstand the last variable in the equation.

The last variable is £. This is the value, in pounds, of your emotional attachment to the clock repair. The secret to an accurate answer is to consider variable H by projecting your minds eye to the future. Live the moment you imagine. The rest of the variables take care of the £ variable (answer)

After all, what we are trying to do by assigning values to our variables is understand if its worth the money for you. What proportion of the expense is emotional value in your mind based on the costs involved.

The method for calculation, and the formula thereof is {Justins delusional Boast: “Thats Nobel prize language that is”}

[C – N + V] x H = £

It should have a variable called F wich would be a 1 or a zero, a boolian value. If you dont give an F about C or a bag of rats then you have already made you mind up to get the clock done whatever and you couldnt give one. If you set it to 0 then any value for £ become null. A constant almost. If the value of F as a multiplier was set to 1, then your £ result will be exactly what it had been F had not existed – accurate only to your input for the further variables you need to guess or establish.

You can apply this, as far as I can imagine, to any service you wish to need to get a quote for when buying something you need to get a quote for or put out to tender.

Incidentally we all know this is never going to be completely accurate for retail as a currency value. Firsty there is transport and parking fees. Then there is the annoyance that your club card is now a square QR code on the supermarket phone app. Because supermarkets are pretty much large reasonably effective faraday cages due to the wiring in the walls and static conductivity of the buildings steel framework. Your phone is therefore unable to pull up the app because it cant connect to the internet in a buiding accidentally designed as a giant signal umbrella – an electromagnetic bunker of sorts. Ive done this. I know. I ended up with a bill with no significant improval because I could not produce my right to clubcard discount I paid full price for everything. At this point I realised I was going to have to eat those bitter bitter cornflakes and be reminded that……blah blah. Denial. Im a genius. The supermarket is wrong etc.

Nobody sane (present ccompay excluded, and Im on my own) person would do this at a supermarket but it may help you get a keener sense of £’s value before you go on autopilot and simply sweep the shelves clean into the trolley. Do it on something like wether you are serving a roast chicken or a large joint of beef. If you dont already know the difference in cost you may as well stop reading now – your wasting your time reading this for retail strategy. {Justin Boost : Its probably worth reading the rest which deals with the sychology of the variables you understand and examines a gorrilla robbing a jewelers.}

I will leave you with one last thought. Every single time you spend, you spend emotionally. Inside you there is a gorilla with a Rolex in your subconcious. People, you people, me, everyone. When we DECIDE to spend money the situation is entirely emotionally controlled – not a balanced financial cost vs benefit analysis. I hate to tell you this but your finances are impirically linked to your thoughts and thus the emotions they create. Do you know if you are frugal and wise?, or an unaware consumer money waster. Niether probably. We are all triggered in your choice “to buy or not buy”.

Advertisers use this conversion of emotion to variable H based on promoting emotional purchase. They project values in their products that will produce a concious or subconcious emotion. For instance “BARGAIN” or “Your worth it” or you think conciously “mum would love that and ill never see another one again even at that high price”. The absolute worst of this are television fundraising adverts. They are pure emotional connection with you if you are a charity minded person. They show you images of plague, ill children – things that will not easily be forgotten because your brain is DESIGNED in such a way that the idexing system for your thoughts is not “retreive though 56,345,0080”, you mind is designed to index and priotise your thoughts by emotional index. Your decision to donate is, remember, an emotional one. So thats the button the advert producers press in you quite deliberately, not by “hey maybe we could show some horror and see if that works”. When the plan the advert they design it to press your buttons.

This is why I will never tell enquiries that their clock will be worth more after repair. Unless its really good one the service will not change its value in the least; in any signifcant way I mean. I tell them how to work the value out to them and then call back once they have had the method Ive detailed here verbally.

Life is about people and emotions not things. Things only have an emotional value to you which is then converted into pounds by my equation because thats the order we process things in. Try and put a Rolex on wild a gorrilla you will get the idea. That is of course before Sigourney Weaver leaves her sign language copy of Vogue up in the misty gorrilla habitat. I can honestly see a day when a gorrilla walks into a rolex store, goes to the counter, points to his chest, puts his fist through the counter grabbing a Rolex Explorer before men with nets turn up and say…. “I dont think it would be wise to sign language him for the rolex back. He seems to be signing is some sort of code. The first sign is F for mating copulation in the plural, and the second is a single letter A. He apears pleased. The third communication I can traslate is spelled “STRAP TOO SMALL. There were some further signs which indicate you will not see thaat rolex again. If you wish to arrest him call the police. That I would like to see. Oh monkey crap, hes heading for that beauty parlor and hes just signed what I believe was ‘I AM WORTH IT'”

Ive been no help really at all. You see I can tell when people want thier clock fixed – they always have a value for H variable of 100% and a value for F wich is 1, or rather conversely, not giving an F about C.

This has been great fun to write. You learn soooo much about people as a customer facing clock repair organisation owner (albeit of two full time and and one part time clocksters). We dont NEED your work, we operate under a roughly three month booked up diary of jobs. BUT, we want your work because we enjoy what we do and giving you that H factor at %100.

Give me a whatsapp or a call if you would like an estimate for values C, N, and V. 07462 269 529.

I just gave up on email enquiries. Too time consuming and 99% spam. This site is popular, if not exactly Amazon level popular but I know from its stats it get a huge volume of attention worldwide. This sounds great but it generates so much irrellevant advertising and scam links email is just not a cost effective method of communicating with my customers. My phone is under threat buy almost no malware and I am alerted instantly to your call or whatsapp. I may not aswer whatsapps of texts for a few days but it will be read and a response sent. If not give it a week, ring me, say youve sent me a whatsapp to which you have had no reponse and we can quickly and efficiently locate and discuss it there and then.

I want my Nobel prize for this. I will sell its because I dont need a medal. The award is independent of the trinket presented and stays with you for life. With the proceeds of sale, with an H factor of 100% and an F modifier of 1, I will proceed to Hatton Garden and Set Bo-Bo free to negotiate a price on 10 new rolexes which he, not I, will be expected to pay for. Imagine getting that job as a debt collection agent. I can imagine the call from the debt collection office to the baliff “Your first call today will be to collect payment of 10 Rolex watches from a Mr Bo-Bo at the famous Braintree Nobel Clock Repair Mega Corporation who are renting…lets see, Buckingham Palace. Watch out this Bo-Bo, hes a bit of a security gorrilla for Sir Justin Wayland Holt – you know the type, big build, wide, bit hairy” {Baliff} “Do I need a bit of muscle with me on this one?” {Operator} “…….might be a good idea but then again how goods your sign language and all our heavies have gone sick. Today for some reason. They were all at the weekly job allocation meeting and all went sick the next day when this visit was scheduled but not yet allocated. You will be fine – the detail would only bore you and we know your waiting to cash in your company pension that you are due to receive as a lump sum tomorrow almost certainly. Unless you die ha ha, dont worry” {Baliff} “what do you mean almost certianly? {Operator} “Must rush…} [CLICK dialtone].

I have to unpack and repack A LOT of cuckoo clocks. I need 100sq feet of commercial workshop space to store the materials and incoming boxes.

This precipitates from an enquiry during which I am freqmtly asked how to the clock to ensure its safe to send it to me. I take the time to explain on each occassion because good packing is in everyones interest. It means I can recycle what you send and often use the same box you selected to send it to me in.

So its absolutely bloody obvious I should have written a nice picture augmented blog article on how to do it. I am simply going to ignore the fact that I have spent 15 years explaining the same thing in different ways for….I really dont want to think about it. The aggregated waste of time is staggering. So, on with it.

Firstly. the clock is damaged anyway. Even if its just a chain off. That sort of makes it easier when considering what level of padding, and therefore the size of box to use. So use this rule; just make sure every surface of the clock is at least 6 inches.

he average mane knows roughly how big six inches is due to a frequently used biological tool being a point of reference, however, should you have an inflated ego or insecurity, use a school age platic ruler as a ready reckoner.

Padding. You love your clock. You are worried it will get damaged in transit. You assume it is super fragile. Allow me to correct you. The reason you are sending me your clock is, to a lesser or larger degree because it is NFG. NFG is a term used internally by the maintenance and engineering trade trade for “No Flipping Good”. Well, it isnt actually “Flipping” but…use your imagination. Firstly, as an aside, if you ever go to a boot sale, see perfectly good electronic item in a box going for a song, then check for the letters in handwriting “NFG”. Its ex factory returned stock beyond economic repair. My point is the clock is not working already. Its more than likely we will reposition or reset any parts that have shifted in transit as part of the service you contract for us. SO all you need to do is make sure the clock has a bit of suspension shock proofing packaging type, and that theres a gap between the clock and the ousdide of the box to mitigate against sharps piercing the box.

No you have that in you mind just get a box thats big enough or “Lagon” as we say in Swedish (Im Viking decent and Lagon means “Just enough without waste” in its most litteral translation although “Bang on” or “Perfect” said with the hand movements are analagous. Useful word as it contextualises well.)

Cuckoo clocks have chains, moving bits, doors, parts inside that move and are all assembled by hand so that the various modular components are correctly distanced in a wooden case with slight variations in dimensions. This means they have to be bound. If you cant do all this faff then just pack it as described and send it to me at the address on the contact page of this website. You can bring you clock in by appointment if its massive or you just dont trust the post.

These are picutures of how you bind the clock with pliable soft gardening wire.

The picture above shows that the chains are bound so that the chains dont fall off their rather basic sprockets.

We work by standards and laws that sit universally in the bedrock of engineering. Clocks for me are by far the best obsession for the determined fiddler solving a puzzle where all your variables have to be defined by theory and observational diagnosis. Across multiple scientific disciplines that overlap. Not easy and sometimes, within the process the diagnosis is as simple as “ “that is most definitely an *NFG bin job – replace that”. On most other occasions its somewhat more complicated.

*NFG [acronym in common use by technical engineers for identifying boxes containing stored failed components. If you ever see a boxed item with NFG in biro on it, you can assume the goods are Not F……..ulsomely Good]

You have to visually apply formulas as known constants and understand they describe ratios not theories. You have to have working knowledge of the geometry principles for calculating linear and arc distances including torque metrics and direction. Its important to know chemistry because if you put the wrong reactive chemical on the worn surface you have to be bloody good at recreating a seamless and invisible covering. So Art in its Aritisan format . This might be enamel, brass alloy, oil pants, water based paints, laquers and the compatibility of all these things is often an issue that needs a process to overcome.

You cant lean it from books because there are so many combinations. You actually need a broad education or interest at a detailed level in the physical and theoretical sciences. Not sub quantum physics, it is incidental to clocks but not an essential part of the engineering education process.

Its all newton pi pythagoras and torque on clocks.

That said molecules and chemistry comes into it. You cant silver a dial without knowing about the piezoelectric effect. You cant understand carbon steel metal fatigue in springs and check for it unless you understand its arrangement and composition at an atomic level. Once you know that, its easy to spot the amplified effect of this on the physical condition of the steel.

This degradation at different parts of the spring due to its usage on rewinds. This varies. Some parts of a spring may have been wound more frequently that others. This is likely. Many clock owners wind their clocks erratically. This means the top of the springs gets wound and bent more often that the top of the spring. Its the laws of averages reaching a human habitual nexus. Unavoidable for 99|%.. To really evaluate an original spring in a good old clock you have to use a method that incorporates that tests for variable fade. Half the spring may be fine and acceptable for occasional use.

The molecular degradation also matters because a springs resistance power increases exponentially with deformation so the centre end of a spring is far more likely to be the point of failure but Ive seen them snap halfway through. At any rate a lot off energy gets released in a very particular way which I will come to.

Most springs do not fail because they have been overstretched. They fail because the molecular bonding that allows their elsaticy breaks atomic bond, by atomic bond over time. This breakage is more prevalent around seams of carbon that are mixed into it to provide a sort of spongy elasticity. Seams of weakness are seeded, connect as they randomly expand, form fractures and integrity fails with a bang and a clock bill.

Unfortunately it usually doesnt stop after the bang. Another thing can happen in that bang, which is an age in the time it takes different forces to build up and release together. Read on.

What then happens is in classic Newtonian format. The conservation of energy is applied. So why is this important or relavent?. Well its because Newton tells us most wisely that we have angular conservation of momentum. We also know from Newton that energy is conserved and tranferred by physical or electromagnetic radiation. On this we are talking physical energy. Kinetic (moving energy – the faster something hits you the more it hursts – more energy), and potential energy (the energy you have to use to get an object from still to moving). To work out how much energy is transferred by the spring break you take the amount of torque energy generated at a tangent to the centre i.e. onto a severly geared down second pinion (a small cog with thick teeth equivalent in circular distribution distance to those on the larger cog – huge torque join).

Ill just do the basic maths here of how much power is tranferred in one go. So you take torque normally generated had he spring been unfurled over time. So thats all the energy it would have taken to keep the pendulum swinging for say 2 days. The velocity issue here is to do with the fact that there will be some give in the gear train when the spring snaps to dampen the shock. But this is a questionable damping force because it allows he momentum of he mass of he whole cogg drum to come into play. So now as well as 2 days operational torque being delivered in a fraction of a second, you have a fraction of a second for the mass of the brass spring barrel in which to rotate very very quickl under huge accelleration force. The amount it moves may be small but the punch it packs when it tranfers its force is disproportionate to the assumptions one might make. In short this means his means Newton again. Force = mass x acceleration applied to the barrel mass in addition to the torgque force created in an instant.

Its outrageous proportional acceleration making the momentum impact force of the cogg teeth quite high all things considered despite its modest scale. The result is that the teeth get stripped from the main barrel like corn under a crop circle UFO. The teeth fold down. Attempting reformation is more like miraculous resurrection. You have to find a way to get a new one, either old spares or make one or talk to your god. We have it covered however.

If I’m just speaking gibberish to you I apologise. The result of all this explanation is that you now know that when a spring snaps there is about a 50/50 chance you may need a new barrel. Some are available spares, some are still made, most old ones have to he lathed out and wheel cut which is a fortune.

For me this is just a fact of life but for you, well, if you got this far you must have at least found it interesting. I really enjoy explaining things in an accessible way but I feel I may have pushed the envelope on this one and if I have bored you I apologise.

We are busy doing all this stuff and I just dont get the time to pass on my work examples or self help or comment posts. Im probably going to do more theoretical and background stuff rather than practical stuff from now on, but even in he article above is an awareness issue which in itself is a contribution to the knowledge base generally.

When I look a the considerable things we have achieved I am reminded that my skills are modest in comparison to the makers of some of the clocks I work on. Challenges are contemporary and have different meanings in different times.

Take the statue of Liberty. Made at the same time as many of the clocks we work on and repair. No boast-able moving parts. I would not have liked to be the engineering specifier on that one.

architect talking to structural engineer: “How thick does the copper have to be on the arm plate bearing in mind it might get hit by a tornado. Shutup. We also dont want the arm to fall into the Hudson due to overweight, and we want to save money on copper. Don’t forget to factor in the three laws of thermodynamics and futurise [made up management word] how this will effect the structural tension of a copper balloon welded round an iron hedgehog holding a Cornetto”.

Oh we repair a lot of cuckoo clocks as well. I just like them and do most of them. We have spares and manufacturer accreditation for the UK.

Just a quick note to explain that the website has been down for a few days. After many interesting conversations with my web server provider about the benefits of clockwork computers they finally sorted out my issue after 10 days. Apologies if you had trouble getting on the website but its all sorted now!.