A break from clock articles. About me.

Ive written a lot of clock articles. I do have a bit of fun with them on occasion and try and make them both interesting, informative, educational and attempt humorous reference. Its the end of summer but we still have a few hot days to come no doubt so I think Ill just talk about the way I see things.

Ok so tonight Im going have myseeeeeelllf a real good time, Im gonna ah ah ah ah ah-ah ahhhhhhhh…….[Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen fades to the background in your head and forward to the clock article but keep it playing there]

Tonight I am going to explain a bit about who I am. This is not some sort of hommage to myself or CV but more about the way you have to have a warped brain in order to understand the colliding physics of torque and direct force as well as positioning, pressure and timing in order to diagnose and fix clock problems. You have to have an enquiring scientific mind that searches for answers that are not immediately apparent. So much physics go into clocks that unless you are an engineering capable person its just frustrating to diagnose faults. I love it because Im good at it and for that reason alone. If I wasnt I wouldnt even consider doing it for a living. But that doesnt really tell you anything about me. So I thought it would be fun just to show you how I think about things. And have a bit of a laugh for a change rather than it all being so serious and technical as I tend to get sometimes. As you will see.

This is best done via dialogue broadly taken from a recent conversation about football with my friend Vince while we were watching his team play. I dont like football but I really really enjoy watching it with other people who are passionate about it. Im a fair analyst of tactics and position in my opinion, so while I known nothing about the actual players or accurate transcription or knowledge of the rules, how the league system works, whos in it, who won. Ever. What colours the majority of the teams wear. I know nothing of this. I support Crystal Palace. I chose it because I liked the stripy shirts when I was 9 and had pyjamas in the same pattern. Up until 6 months ago Id never even watched them play on the TV.

The offiside rule.

Me: Wow blue scored a goal.


Me: Why is it offiside.

Some minutes later on….

Me: So let me summarise this Vince. There are men running around with a flag, as if infront of a Victorian era motor vehicle, except fast and with his flag down. Should one player of the opposing team be nearer his opponents goal line than a player of the opposing side when the ball is passed to him, then this player is deemed offside. Any goal scored henceforth until a stoppage of some sort is invalid. The car man raises his flag to indicate this.

Vince. Yes. And that one wasn’t offside.

Me: Vincent I am inclined to agree with you. Why do you follow this sport. While blue are a clearly a skilled team, if one of the cornerstones of their fate relys on the stereo human vision system, taking perspective accuracy into account, I suggest to you that the score is far more down to variances in human error than skill. The rules defeat the purpose of being good at the game therefore a darwinian survival of the fittest scoring system is irrelevant. Furthermore, timing is everything. Given that each team has at least an average of 5 players in approximate varying paralels during a period where an opportunity to score may come to pass, the diameter of the football needs to be taken into account. The lines man, because he is on the line cannot see the back of the ball and therefore it is not possible for him to accurately determine the exact point of impact and ball departure from the players foot. Were the ball to be struck from the back it would leave the players boot earlier and therefore that is the moment as which a theoretical directly oppossing line must be sighted to establish which sides player is furthest forward. The whole system appears to be as critically flawed as the investigation into Kennedy’s assassination. The lines man should be given a grassy knoll from which to view events, or a 6th floor book repository window depending no what you believe. That one in the black shirt looks like Lee Harvey Oswald. Its is. Its him.

Vince: Yes. But then theres the VAR.

Me: What is that?

[Some minutes later.]

Me: So in summary. We have two Victorian car flag waver who have no other purpose than to guess what a computer with accurate calibration using parallel fixed position single axis cameras, is, and already probably has, calculated. The linesmen, on a break from presidential assassination, are expressing an opinion not, applying a rule. I will come back to that, but essentially a computer is in charge of the rules and the linesmen are there to make you scream with anger and experience severe anxiety while everyone waits for a computer that has already worked out a relatively simple measurement, to tell a man to tell the referee what the computer has decided. Incidentally, Vincent my good friend, why does it take this computer that can calculate the exact position of a players anatomy up to 5 minutes to work out what it has filmed. You could train a monkey to do it faster. A computer does not take much time to return the result of a comparative calculation. I believe the wait for the VAR is sinister and suggestive of a technically accurate system being subject to flawed interpretation and debate. There is little point in having such a system if this is the regime it is operated under because its calculations and conclusions  is judged as opposed to accepted by default. The car flag man is probably less corrupt. At least you can see him. I can tell you whos running the VAR. The Majestic 12.

Vince: Yes.

Me: Is Einsteins special theory of relativity taken into account? Are you aware Vince that we all have our own clock that runs at a different speed depending on how fast we are moving. We all experience time at a fractionally slower or faster rate in relation to each others speed. This means even a computer cannot accurately estimate the position of a moving object except from its own time perspective. You would observe things happening at a different rate from a different position. Its proven by the planet Mercury’s late arrival for its periodic solar anniversary. Fact.

Vince: No. Its a video system. Einstein died before it was introduced I think. Also its irrelevant as even the VAR is subject to debate on occasions where it is particularly close.

Me: It should not be called offside. No wonder nobody understands it. It should be called the cheating inaccurate computer judged rule applied on a probabilistic basis but without consideration of velocity related time dilation with an unknown accuracy variable dependent on climatic visibility, camera frame rate, video elevation and subject to arbitary interpretation by the referee who doesn’t seem to see the evidence because he doesn’t have a screen so must be receiving judgement from Illuminati influenced dark forces (in this case). For red the VAR is obviously correct on all offside decisions which is entirely consistent with gods will and the red team being a bunch of cheating KGB sleeper agent criminals who are not be trusted and are known to worship the dark lord. Blue, as with the sky lives up in the light. Its science. Unimpeachable.

Vince: Yes.

Me: Did you see that? That red bas&**$ was cleary offside.  The ref will say the goal keeper was off side at this rate. Blind. The man is blind. Hey blindie go and find a proper job you computer slave drone. I bet the bloody thing hasnt been calibrated since Blair. Poor man. I mean B Liar, of course not the referee. Hes lost it. And lost blue it. He should hang. Bring back hanging for refs. I bet they used to when we had an empire. When clocks were more important. When they were the cutting edge of the mechanical technology. Now we have VAR and clocks on our phones. As far as Im concerned you may as well have your washing machine combined with your fridge. Tie a watch to a small plank instead and you wont be bothered all day with anything but the accurate time. And look at where it has left us. Helpless against the VAR and its false evidence with huge underlying flaws. I blame the FA. Whats the FA? Oh look the VAR has come down on our side. Bloody amazing machine.

Vince: Tea?

Me: Ill make it.

Vince: You dont make it strong enough and I can taste the metal in the spoon. Dont use a metal spoon.

Me: Have you got a wooden spoon?.

Vince: No.